Taking out the Trash

I am not perfect. By any measure, I do not make it to perfection. I dont know why, but it seems that if I do not seem perfect all the time, then I am not good enough. I used to think that this was all in my head, but I have had people verify it. People expect me to be perfect. I should have been better about not doing so well in the past so that expectations wouldnt become so high.

It is just so hard to give yourself so much to people and then with one tiny and really insignificant mistake, they are not there for you. They come back when they need you though.

Not everyone is like this. I have made some new friends who seem actually quite the opposite. They are great!

My counselor thinks I need to talk to people more about the abuse I have incurred in life. I dont know if I can do that. He thinks that when I talk things out I am able to intellectualize and move on. He is right. The question is, how do you tell someone about horrible things that make them sad? I dont want my friends to be sad.

My therapist is an interesting fellow. He loves stroaking my ego. I wonder if he is honest about his assessment of me, or if he is filling me full of shit!

It's a Great Day to be a Vagrant in Corvallis!

So, at the bakery today, there may have been a bit of waste. Ok, so more like a shit ton! At 6 pm, the bums in town congregate around the dumpster to see what kind of goodies they could get. Today they looked so happy that it brought tears to my eyes....

I think I may have lost someone very important to me today. I hope I didnt. Honesty is the best policy right?

Oh, and on a happy note... someone told me I have pretty hair today. He actually stated that I have nice eyes, nose, and hair...but I am excited about the hair. My hair is important to me. Silly really, but I identify as Brooke with the crazy red hair. That's me. I didnt think anyone else noticed.

Well, after work tonight, maybe I will have more to say. Probably not. I work late and then go to work at 5 am.... ugghhhh

Thanks Trevor

So, I was feeling like an asshole and Trevor sent me this link! Hilarious!

Why do I even Care????

So, all night I tossed and turned because I was distraught and hurt by the comment of a nobody really. Stan... I hate you and I dont even know you.

I went with the lovely Holly (or should we call her Hank?) to her friends' home for a BBQ. I met lovely people and we were having a great time until Stan showed up. Within the first five minutes, he brought up out of no where that I was fat. Then he tried to hit on me.

Stan did not have a fun night. I dont put up with that crap. I act all tough... and then I cry myself to sleep.

I was feeling so good about myself this weekend too! I wore a bathing suit for the first time in 11 years and it didnt look bad at all. I had so much fun camping with Holly, Dennis, and fam. Everything was great!

Until I met Stan. I want to kick him. I dont know why and it makes me feel horrible.

Ode to YOU

Talked to my Dad this morning. That was nice. He is supposed to be in Afganistan, but is still stateside because of flight issues. I want to volunteer to go over with him. It's strange to me really. I dont agree at all with the war, but I have issues with those I care about going without me. I want to be there to support and love them. They need my super ninja skills.

Lately, I have been feeling horrible about my unit deploying without me. I can't really help that I was in a car accident that messed my body up, but it still makes me feel guilty and like I abandoned those who need me.

And I have been so lonely For NO reason really. Just lonely. I have made some incredible friends though.

And I have to say... my friends REALLY underestimate themselves. I have the BEST taste ever in friends, so if I choose to "waste" time on you, you better know that you are god damn worth it! Not that I am irritated at self esteem issues. I have a load of self esteem issues...

But just a note for a few of you whom I love.... in no apparent order... and sorry if I forget yah on here....

Cassie - you are awesome and a totally desireable woman. You are smart and more capable than anyone I know. I miss you!

Holly - You Rock! You are one of the most supportive people I know and you deserve the same kind of support back. I am pretty sure you could beat just about anyones ass too! You are a great friend and awesome mom and an example to all that a person can be smart and rad. Shout out to the nerdies out there!

Matt - Everyone has issues that make them different. The issues you have cause more difficulty but they are not afflictions, they are just part of who you are. You hold more love in your heart for your friends than anyone I know.

Michelle - You are beautiful and so graceful. I wish I had your natural poise. You are smart and artistically amazing. And... above all, you are loved by everyone around you.

Eric - You can make anything out of bedframes. That is amazing! You are amazing! You have talent and a great sense of humor. Oh, and I like your accent. Oh, how I love accents!

Elizabeth - you are beautiful. You were beautiful to me even before you lost all that weight. You are the bleeping naughty potter. Artistically talented... full of energy and love. No one could ever match you!

Richard - Being overweight does not make you disgusting or undesirable. You are a giving, fun person. I wish that you had grown up with someone telling you how great you are rather than putting you down all the time.

Dennis - Holly's bro and my new friend. You are very understanding and true. Just because you havent succeeded traditionally in every area of your life doesnt mean that you havent found success or that you arent worthwhile. Because you are.

Allanna - you are so funny, beautiful, and well, colorful. You are my rainbow and I appreciate that you have stood by me all these years. You are a friend who is always available...

AND I KNOW EVERYTHING!

Torettes

So, Ard Tard continued on in his bigoted tirade against Corvallis humanity yesterday. After I left work, a mentally challenged man and his caretaker came into the center. The challenged man was a bit loud and obnoxious but according to my other coworker (not Ard Tard), it was very obvious that he had a stunted learning capacity. Ard Tard then exclaimed in front of his caretaker (who seemed to be a close family member) about the loud, obnoxious guy that wont shut up. She said, "Seriously? He is special!?!" She then left. I doubt she will be back.

Seriously, Ard Tard is complaining about obnoxious exclamations? I dont knwo how he survives living with himself if that was an issue for him. The man has some sort of strange Tourettes! Not the interesting kind either. Hearing exclamations of the F-word is really funny to me, but he doesnt have that Torrettes charm. Instead of profanities, he blurts out bigotry... and that to me is REALLY, REALLY unfunny.

Blueberries and Ard Tards

So, I couldnt figure out why my bowel movements today were so weird.... yes, I am talking about my bodily waste on the internet. I wont give details, but it was weird. Then, I thought about it and figured out that the strangeness of my poops would be attributed to eating three pounds of blueberries yesterday. Just a bit of advice...hold back a little on the berries... they taste great but have interesting side effects!

On the note of Ard Tards, I work with a total Ard Tard.. I originally dubbed him "Dildo", but since, I have decided that there is no way in hell he could ever give any woman anywhere pleasure. Since, he has been dubbed "Ard Tard".

Today at work, a lady who comes in often with her daughters had the pleasure of meeting Ard Tard full force. Her younger daughter is Chinese. Ard Tard asked her where her daughter was from because she isnt American... So when does being white make you an American? I was offended... I think it was rude to ask where she was from at all unless you knew the woman and were friends. Maybe I am too sensitive..what do you think? So I told my boss about it cause he caught me laughing histerically about Ard Tard's ways. He could only say that thank god he didnt ask if she was a mail man baby. I started crying that was so funny. If Ard had said that, I would have apologized and told her that he was mentally handicapped and that the government pays us to employ him. It isnt that far off the truth.